Follicular Stimulation with Serophene and IUI, take 1

As expected, the phantom pangs were just that. Phantom. So, we're starting our first round of IUI. Am I prepared? I think so...

Follicular Stimulation with Serophene - Check!
Started last night on cycle day 3.

Ultrasound scheduled - Check!
It will happen on cycle day 9 (Good Friday) since my last cycle only lasted 23 days, and the originally recommended day 12 may be too late.

Trigger shot - Check!
In my fridge, waiting for it's moment of glory.

Now it's just my wackadoodle self and Mr. Peapod, hoping we make it through the 5 days of Serophene in one piece. He's being extra nice to me, and I'm trying not to be too much of a freak.

Dr. S recommended taking it at night to help stave off the mood swings and hot flashes. *Fingers crossed* that I can make it through the week without losing my mind. I get whacked out on just plain birth control... so I'm hoping this is less bad than I'm imagining it will be.

Tricky fallopians

Dear stupid twinge-like pangs in my lower right abdomen,

You are gas, right? Or constipation? Or maybe a gall stone or early stage appendicitis?

I didn't eat as many vegetables this weekend as I normally do, is that your problem? Or is it that I ate dessert on both weekend days?

I know the liklihood of you signalling something great, like say, implantation, is low... so can you please clarify your purpose?

Google has informed me that he has provided all available relevant information, so now it's up to you.

Sincerely Yours,
-Peapod

Randomly emotional and nonsensical

I'm a nut-bag.

End of last week was better. Felt like I had a slightly better handle on work. Then... we went a 1 year old's birthday party, and my emotional teeter totter went into overdrive.

On to better topics: Funny story

At our fertility appointment on Monday, we saw a sonogram of the egg that will drop this cycle. The doc exclaimed, "This one's developing quickly! Have sex Wednesday, Friday & Sunday this cycle."

(1) We got an "Rx" for sex
(2) Now that we've seen the little guy on TV Mr. Peapod wants SO BAD to get pregnant this cycle so we can tell our child that we knew him/her since he/she was just a egg.

:)

My lining looks fabulous!

First fertility doctor appointment - done!

And, as has been the case thus far, I feel better AFTER leaving the appointment. I think this is likely due to me expecting the worst, but regardless it feels good.

We "officially" have two options. One great. One so-so.

Option 1 (good): IVF with ICSI
This is exactly as we expected. And if we proceed, they feel that we have a 40-50% chance of achieving pregnancy per IVF cycle.

Option 2 (so-so): Clomid with IUI
I did not expect Dr. S to suggest this. At all. The chance of success is low (only 7-8%), but he feels it's worth trying for 2-3 cycles since we have not had any treatment thus far. And it's MUCH cheaper.

Because it's only a delay of 2-3 months, we are going to try the IUI option first, then go on to IVF. It feels right. Gives us a little more time to save up some funds and get financing in order.

And... Dr.S did a sonogram of my uterus (I took a picture with my iPhone because yes, I'm that geeky).

My lining looks fabulous!
My ovaries are easy to reach!
On day 6 of my cycle, I already have a nice large egg maturing!

Next month: IUI #1

Felt the chasm

I've read on other blogs about the fertile/infertile gap. The separation those of us feel from fertile myrtle families where kids were not hard to come by. I felt that acutely last night.

We had dinner with friends for Mr. Peapod's birthday. One couple had to cancel at the last minute due to their child being sick, and the wife of another couple had to say home because of their little boy's ear infection. The final couple left their little one at home with a non-family babysitter for the first time. We were the only ones without kids. And I realized during dinner that at 35, I was the oldest one at the table.

I may have imagined it, but a question seemed to linger. Out there. In the open air. Whispering... "When are you going to have kids? When are you going to join our club?"

They know we want children soon. We've talked about it. They also saw me have a glass of wine, so it's clear I'm not pregnant now.

I want to be part of that club, but the door is jammed and it's taking me longer to get in than I thought it would.

Blended, not Stirred

Have you ever thought about what it would be like to be blended? Spinning and spinning, then it stops and you look around in a daze, get stirred, then.. whiplash! Back to the spinning.

That was my week. Emotionally. Mentally. Physically.

As expected, I am not pregnant.

Aunt Flo played mini mind tricks on me, and then came out to say hello. Blah.

Work was ridiculous.

I am still new to my current role. This week I realized that what I do actually know is DWARFED by what I do NOT. And...

• My manager was across the globe in an opposite time zone
• I'm piloting new work that no one completely understands (not even the supplier who is helping us)
• Upper management is very interested in this work
• It is behind schedule
• It's one of the busiest times of year for everyone, so no one has time to help
• I had fully scheduled evenings every night. So... working extra to figure out said work meant staying up until the wee hours
• I was much more emotional than usual, not to mention overtired

Lovely.

Highlighted Freak-out Episode
Tuesday (a.k.a. cry-fest). I had a 7am conference call, but didn't remember until 7:55am as I was about to blow-dry my hair.

Panic! Run into the living room, towel perched precariously on my head. Open my laptop and hope hope hope the 7am is Wednesday, not Tuesday. Wrong.

Furiously email my manager & associate director (meeting was with them). Rush to open and finish updating something I was supposed to bring to the meeting. Computer crashes. I scream. Start crying. Hands are shaking. Endorphins rage as I wait for the computer to reboot, tapping my foot and fingers the whole time. It starts, but I can no longer access the drive where the file was saved. Crap. Try to fix it. Can't. Sobbing now. Call Mr. Peapod, saying a little prayer he picks up. He does (thank God!). Tells me (in a nice and calming way) that one meeting won't ruin my whole career. Finally we get it fixed. I access the file. Update it. Send it out. Work the rest of the morning from home to stop myself from crumbling into a weepy freaky heap in front of co-workers.

And to make things worse, my hair was weird and flat all day because it spent too much time in that dang towel.

Is it Aunt Flo? Is it the IVF appointment Monday? Or have I just lost my mind?
My cry-fest continued all week.

Wednesday: Cried because Mr. Peapod gave me the wonderful gift of postponing his birthday celebration until today. I wasn't ready. He said he "saw the look in my eyes I get when I'm about to do something crazy." And he didn't want me to run around to all sorts of stores and get no sleep just to be able to celebrate the day of.

Thursday: Cried about work during dinner.

Friday: Came close to crying at work at least 5 times. Usually during conversations with my associate director about that big crazy project. Luckily I held it together enough to hold off the tears until she walked away.

I'm an insane person.

I haven't even started getting shot up with hormones yet! If I am having trouble controlling my emotions now, what in heck-fire will I do once IVF starts?