On Friday, I went in for my Beta at 8:30am. They called me at noon to give me the news... 308!
Now, I expected to be over the moon excited. But I was hesitant. And unwilling to jump up and down with exhilaration. Because it's still so early. And I hadn't had my "check the doubling" beta yet, which meant it could all be a farse!
My husband had trouble understanding why I didn't sound more excited. At first he thought the nurse said something when she called to make me all downtrodden.
I just could NOT let myself get too excited. What if I got the call on Monday after my 2nd beta, and my numbers fell. Or raised just a tad. It would hurt worse if I let myself REALLY believe.
The miscarriage from last spring is coming back to rear it's ugly head. My husband doesn't remember it that well because he was in the hospital and sicker than sick himself... so I went through it mostly alone. Not his fault, but he missed out on the sadness and worry and wondering about what was happening inside my body.
So, I hesitated. Paused my happiness until I knew more.
Today, I went in for my second beta. Afterward, we went out for breakfast at the same place we went after the egg retrieval, after the ET, and where I got takeout after my first beta (since hubby wasn't with me that time). Because I'm a paranoid freak and have convinced myself that these things matter even though my brain knows better ... I also wore the same (clean, I've been doing lots of laundry) sweat pants and sweatshirt... just in case.
2nd beta = 1470!
So now I'm happy.
Still cautious. And worried. And wanting March 9th to get here FAST so that I can see the baby (or babies) on the ultrasound and really be sure they're ok.
I wish I could just toss away all my fears and just enjoy these moments. I'm cautious by nature, but after all our trying, it just seems too good to be true.
We did celebrate on Friday by going to dinner and seeing King Speech (great movie!), which was fun. And then on Sunday we took advantage of the President's day sales and finally bought a couch for our basement. Getting the house in order for at home entertainment. :)
Thank you for all your good thoughts and well wishes. They mean so much to me, and please know I think of you often, and read up on your blogs as often as I can.
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