Nutty Nutty Coconutty

First - thank you so much for the blog award nominations! :) I will write more about this a tad later, but I really appreciate you thinking about me.

On the 2WW front, I'm going a bit nuts. Obsessing about blue veins on my chest & every little twinge and cramp. Examining my breasts weight and feel with zeal, and asking my husband to tell me whether my boobs look bigger, or if he can see the blue veins I'm seeing. And, oh by the way, were they there before? Don't think so, but I never really paid attention, so I really have no freaking idea.

I'm still working on thinking very positively, but I have many flashes of fear that on Friday the news will not be what I want. I squash them and push them down, but keep a teeny bit to brace myself... just in case.

In other news, I took a step toward being a better and more adult person this week. I asked my sister G how her pregnancy is going. And didn't cry. Didn't freak out. Neither she nor anyone in my family have mentioned it to me since I was home visiting for New Years, and everyone has been great about calling to see how I'm doing. I think it's easier to think of her pregnancy while I have the hope that this cycle will work for us. I'm trying not to think about how hard it will be if things don't work out. So... they just have to work out for us, right?

I'm working from home on Friday to make sure I'm in a safe place when I get the phone call withe the results from our pregnancy test.

I'm also avoiding peeing on a stick with a vengence. Part of me wants to go ahead and try, but the bigger part of my brain knows that it will open the flood gates to more obsessing ... and make the next few days an even stronger roller coaster. So, we wait. And wait.

And to top it all off, I feel like I've gained 20 pounds, but I don't need the stress of the scale, so I'm avoiding it too. I think I see a theme here. Avoidance.

But ... today I reset my goals on my iPhone "lose it" app to what I think is my current weight, with maintaining as my goal... just so I can make sure I don't balloon up and gain a ton of weight before the baby or babies needs it. I have plenty of extra fat stores as is... so I'm not in danger of starving any child in my womb. And I won't be super strict. If I go over be a few calories so be it - I just feel the need to be a tad more in control, and a tad more careful about the crapfest eating my last week and a half has been. I also want to be sure I'm giving my body the best quality calories - fruits, veggies, grains, lean protein... and less chocolate and crap.

Wish I could go back home and crawl under the covers today. Work is crazy, and at least keeps my busy ... but I'd really rather be sleeping, nuzzled under the cozy covers with a good book.