Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Back and starting the hard stuff, or maybe the hard stuff is behind me...

Thanks to those who checked in on me. For months after VC got sick, I just couldn't bring myself to post.

It took him 3 and a half months to fully recover, with fevers all along the way which severely affected his sperm count... so needless to say our subsequent IUIs were challenging to get through. We took a few months off, and then did two more cycles in October & November. Things had improved somewhat, but still no dice.

It was so hard that I didn't want to focus on it. Didn't want to write about it. Didn't want to read about it. Just wanted to make it through VC being sick and the disappointment / anger at God for stealing away the hope for having a baby.

So now... the hard stuff. IVF. But maybe (hopefully) compared to the last year, it won't be so hard. Maybe it will be joyous. And happy. And start my 36th year off on a wonderful note. This is what I'm trying to focus on. I'm trying to be relaxed. And positive. And hopeful.

My period is set to come any day now. Which means we will likely start in the next week. I'm a little freaked out. A little excited. A lot nervous.

We were supposed to start with my last cycle, but the tricky thing came on day 21 while I was in Florida. I think the extra month has been a good thing - I feel like we'll start on a more relaxed note rather than rushing back into town just in time to start injecting myself with fun drugs.

I told my sisters about the IVF while we were down visiting for the holidays, but struggled telling my mom & dad.

My family is Catholic, and my parents are very devout in their own casual, personal way (not in a preachy in your face way). On one hand, I know they will love me and support me through everything. But on the other... I know I could not handle it if they expressed any disapproval at all.

So I avoided the subject... because I know the United States Council of Bishops has issued position papers against IVF due to the rights of the unborn and the only "blessed" way to conceive being as a result of actual intercourse between a man and a woman. I've made my peace with it and feel like it will work for us if God wants it to. I also feel that although their heart is in the right place, the bishops don't know what it's like to struggle with infertility, and they don't know how much love it takes to conceive a child with the type of barriers we've faced.

So... because I knew the Catholic position on the issue, I couldn't bring myself to broach it with them... but somewhere in the back of my brain, I realized how my family works and figured out how to tell them without telling them.
  • I tell my sisters.
  • One of them figures out that I want to tell my mom, but can't, so they tell her for me.
  • My mom tells my dad and they have time to mull things over and work through it without me being involved.
  • My mom approaches me to let me know she knows, and that she and my dad support me.
  • Which is exacly what she did on New Years Day.

So, they support us. They support us trying IVF. And they want me to call and talk to them about it. To quote her, "This baby will be conceived out of love, and that's what matters." She even apologized for not asking me about the infertility stuff more proactively.

The hard part about being home is that I found out one of my sisters is pregnant. This same sister and I started trying in the same month, and her son is now 16 months old. She's on #2.

I wanted so bad to support her, and to be happy for her. Instead, when she came to tell me I spat out, almost in an accusing way, "you're pregnant aren't you?" Not my shining moment. It took me a few days, but I eventually told her I was happy for her, and managed to remain tear-free during our brief conversation.

I know she found it really hard to tell me, and wants me to be pregnant more than anything. But it still hurts. And it feels selfish, but a part of me thinks her getting pregnant means that if I do it will mean less. That sounds stupid typing it out... and it's probably fuled by jealously more than anything.

So here we are. I've blocked my mornings on my Outlook calendar for the next month and a half so that I can drop everything and run to the doctor as needed. My manager knows about the IVF and is supportive. And I'm trying to remain calm.

I hope your journey is progressing in the way you hope. Thinking about all of you struggling with infertility tonight, and thankful you're here supporting the others of us who struggle.


  1. I am so glad you are back!!!!!! I am also very glad that your hubby is doing better.

    I will be praying for during your IVF cycle.

    I am just so glad to see you here and blogging again. I have been wondering and praying for the both of you.

    Thank you for sharing this journey with us.

  2. Welcome back :)

    And so glad your mom and dad are supporting you! The sister thing is soooo rough. I hope soon you'll be joining her through the pregnancy journey.

  3. Nice to see you again!

    So happy your hubby is better now. Wonderful that your family is so supportive for the upcoming IVF.